The Process of Learning

Here I am again, avoiding homework

Avoiding what is important so that I can release my soul.

But maybe I have it all back-words.

Studying about philosophy, logic and rhetoric, media law; it's all important.

But isn’t releasing the soul, just as equally important?

In the American societies order, simply unleashing the soul is just a waste of time.

It clearly is better to study and read texts that will someday become obsolete if I never use the information.

But I too have become Americanized, I am on track to follow the cultural agenda, just as so many do.

Where homework masks creativity and order covers up free will.

I guess if no one were pushing us we would never go forward.

As Americans we need that drive and motivation to move.

Without any motivation I would never even be at this computer avoiding my homework.

Instead I might be relaxing, watching a senseless TV show such as Jersey Shore, taking pleasure in the feeling of my brain turning into mush.

I am tired and the night is quite.

It is just another Monday and I am sitting her again wishing away the week.

I wish time could move at my biding, where I could slow down the times that I am really enjoying, and speed up the agony of the nights where I spend countless hours procrastinating on homework.

Soon will be the days when I will not see much homework.

Where I will be in the corporate world dreading work the next day wishing I could just stroll into my college class wearing a t-shirt, no make-up, a pony tail and flip flops.

Sometimes when looking at the green grass on the other side, we do not take a close enough look at the brown spots that both sides have. 

Although I can not wait to branch out into the real world.

I know there is times where I am going to miss the many great things about college life. The parties, classes cancelled, the friends, the new and exciting things that await after. 

I guess I better get back to work before I ruin my chances to move forward.

The Process of Learning

I once thought that I was untouchable

I have learned that I am destructible

I once thought that I was powerful

I have learned that I am pitiful

I once thought I was complete

I have learned that I can be torn apart

I once thought that someone could love me

I have learned that everyone’s out to steal my heart

I once thought that time healed everything

I have learned that time is only the enemy

I once thought that there were happy endings

I have learned that everyone was just pretending

I once thought that love was kind

I have learned love is cruel and I am blind

I once thought I could be a star

I have learned that I can only look at them from a far

I once thought I could be anything

I have learned to be nothing

I once wanted to travel anywhere

I have learned that the world can be cold and bare

I once thought that I was a dreamer

I have learned I am only a sleeper

I once thought

I have learned to stop thinking

Needed Release

I haven’t written in over a year.

I think about it every day.

I used to love letting the thoughts pour out of my fingertips.

Like a release.

A slow out pour of feelings, frustrations, fears.

Writing has always been my happy place.

Like every time I post a blog a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

As I have grown older, my time has dwindled and slowly the weight has been increasing.

I have grown stronger through the years.

I have been holding more and more.

But I am tired of being crushed.

I am tired of not having time to unleash my soul.

So many things that once made me happy now rarely come into my life.

I used to love reading and writing.

It is what has inspired me to be the person I am today.

I owe everything to this xanga account.

Finally after 6 years of having this account I can finally thank it for directing me in a path that I could walk through.

Because of this journal I was inspired to be a journalist, now I am a semester away from having my degree in journalism.  I am a year away from starting a career.

My fear is, was this what I truly wanted?

My writing style is completely different.

Classes and courses have stripped me of my roots.

I feel like my writing has been stripped of my soul.

Only brain inspires my fingers, never my heart or soul.

I grow older and colder.

I don’t know if this is what I wanted myself to become.

In all honesty I just want to break down.

I don’t want to be strong right now.

I just want to let it out.

My fear, feelings, frustrations.

Oh it feels so refreshing to have a tear run down my cheek.

Its been to long since I have really let my soul speak.

And my soul is so lonely.

I have been hurting, crippled, empty.

I feel like I have lost my touch.

I opened my heart up to write for one second and now I feel like I’ve run dry.

I broke down an indestructible wall,

As I broke the bricks that surround me,

 Smashing through the cage that I have imprisoned myself in,

The bricks are already lining up again to lock me inside,

The cement is already drying.

I feel like I have let the words of others replace my own.

Again I let my soul dry up, and now I depend on lyrics to say that words that I can not.

I can no longer.

Written free style shouldn’t be this hard

Maybe that’s why I have been putting it off for so long.

I needed to avoid the inevitable.  I will never be the writer I once was.

But it’s such a shame because I still have the feelings I once had.

I still feel alone. Lost. Afraid.

All I want in life is to love and be loved return.

But I am cursed with this sick diease.

I am cursed by putting myself through miseary and its contagious I easly spread to others.

I contantly am loving the wrong guys who will never love me, and I am letting guys I will never love, love me.

It’s a sick, sick game… that I am addicted to.

I just wish I could make it stop.

The disease of the miserable,

Contagious, don’t catch it.

Frowns are the first sign.

The symptoms are fatal.

Broken hearts are the recipe.

Desire spreads it.

Always wanting what you can’t have.

Now you know you got it.

Love him more, because you know he will love you less.

You made your fate.

Misery is now your best friend

You can’t get rid of it now

There will never be a cure

You find yourself addicted to the emptiness

Loneliness is your drug of choice.

You do nothing to stop it.

You’re lost and you let the disease swallow you whole.

You let it suck the life out of you.

You love the way it makes you burn.

The way it makes you feel is a high.

Misery is the only time you ever really feel alive.

Everything else just feels like nothing.

Its better to feel nothing.

Than to live like you’re dead.

But it makes you want to

Want to close your eyes.

Feel nothing

Where is the drug for lonleness.

Where is the drug to mask the hurt.

The lows make the highs feel so high.

But what happens when your getting a high from a low.

You feel the pain to feel, even you hate it.

You crave it. You’re addicted to it.

You let it ruin your own life

But nothing even matters because there’s no cure insight

Can’t Bare To Stare At the Impaired

Walking aimlessly, wondering carelessly, thinking thoughtfully.

I walk, I think, I stare.

So obviously unaware,

Of the truck that doesn’t care,

About the posted speed limit, he pushed the pedal to the limit, into a girls that’s been pushed past her limits

I am hit; I wasn’t fit for this, for my feet to split, from the ground into the air.

My body seems bare, all feeling lost I am numb nothings there.

Afraid to get caught, the driver doesn’t stop, no he doesn’t dare.

I feel a slight tear, I am separating from myself, watch me disappear.

And I cannot hear, the women screaming tragically,

Isn’t it a tragedy, to see yourself flying through the air

The truck bed passes by so rapidly all I see is its smear

And it is my fall on lookers fear

To see my body on the ground motionless, frail, and impaired

No that driver still doesn’t dare, he’s driving off scared,

Scared to look into the face of a girl he maimed and marred

Even I am afraid to look into my own mirror

How could he not even care?

My body parts are lying on the ground in pairs

And everyone stands and stares

At the girl who was unaware.

Now floating aimlessly, wondering carelessly, thinking thoughtlessly.

© Brittney Ann 2008

The Greatest Fall Of All Time

               -Dallas Green

Break ups.  They can be the hardest things we have to face in life.  The amount less tears, the hole in your chest that won’t stop aching, the shortness of breath, are all tragic side effects of a tough break up.  It’s like you’re so succumb with thoughts of the past and future you forget to breathe.  Sometimes you feel completely numb, sometimes you feel completely angry, and sometimes you feel completely empty and alone.  You ask yourself, “Why do breakups have to be so hard?”  It is a question; I too, wish I knew.  Breakups are a part of life, and they never get easier.

        Although most people don’t know this, we are flawed. People change, we make mistakes, we make our own decisions and our lives go on different paths.  But it’s those choices that change our lives.  There are so many questions and regrets that come with separation.  When you make plans for the rest of your life with someone and they leave you, you have to start over. You have a blank canvas to repaint your life on.  It’s not easy, and the memories will kill you.  They will eat at you, and like a virus they will spread the sadness from your mind to your eyes, to your heart.  Don’t try to forget them.  Don’t even tell yourself that you’re going to, because you never will.  The more you try to forget, the more that person will flood your mind.  It seems like endless thoughts keep you up at night.  So much that you can’t sleep, can’t dream, and you have to stay up all night and preoccupy your mind, with drinking, television, a one night replacement lover, or even just writing a story at 1:33 a.m.

         I wish I could give out answers to those who are lonely and broken, but I am afraid there are none that I know of.  Time is ultimately the best medicine, and friends are the best remedy to a broken heart.  Over time you will learn that you CAN live without them. That you can eat, sleep, and most importantly breathe without them.  You will go out with your friends and enjoy the perks of being single.  You will find out that they are other people out there for you, and better for you and that will love you like you need to be loved.  The trouble is going out and finding someone new.  Don’t go for the type that broke your heart.  You know your type, the guy with the sweet charming smile, who plays you guitar and his guitar strings pull on your heart strings and  he feeds you melting one liners, and the kiss at the end of the night that blows you away.  Don’t go for that same guy, nor should you compare someone new to them.  And if you meet someone like them, it’s probably best to turn around and walk away.

Its okay for that love to never go away, and if it was true love it may never leave you.  But you have to learn to bury it at the bottom of your heart.  Lock it away for safe keeping, and don’t open it for any reason. Hellos might be sweet, but it will end up with a similar goodbye, but the goodbyes get harder every time.  Some relationships just aren’t meant to be, and most second tries turn to second goodbyes.  Just always remember at least you tried, but at least learn from your mistakes, failure hurts.

 But the worst thing that you can do after a break-up is force yourself into the memories.  This will led you back to them.  It will be like a drug making you more and more addicted to them.  A separation is called that for a reason, because you must separate yourself from them, and torturing yourself with memories is the last thing you want to do.  You know what I am talking about, we have all done it.  We have looked at pictures over and over, re-read old love letters and texts, and the absolute worst, listened to the break up songs.  Yes that song, the song that you swore you could have written.  Those lyrics that were taken right out of your beating, bleeding, aching heart.  If I do offer any advice, in times like these, stay away from iTunes and your iPod.  No matter how hard it is to sleep, the songs will only make you miserable.

Why do we keep them in our memory? Because they are the people that are worth being in there.  It is true; they touch your heart and take a piece with them.  It’s okay to be angry or hurt, you are missing part of yourself, and you’re probably missing them.  It’s okay to think mean things and never want to talk to them again.  We are human, emotions are what drive us, and they are what give us life.  This person that you loved gave you a new emotion, a new kind of life, a new part of life.  And then it was all taken away.    But the pain will lessen, eventually.  Just learn from the past.  Every relationship was a learning experience.  It will make you grow as a person, the pain will only make you stronger.

"Pretend its not forever
Ill pull myself together
Ill say that ill forget her
Ill breathe
And ill say she never hurt me
And look at it as learning
And laugh about the good and the bad
Because I will live forever
We don’t belong together
I know ill feel better
One day when I can make it through”

Silverstein

Farwell

"When you don't know why you are together

And times are so bad you can't remember

Why you lthought you'd love this person till eternity

So blind from his words you can not see

That goodbye is the only way to be happy"

"I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world"

I feel so sad alone and empty right now

Every goodbye with you got harder than the one before

I think I am doing a good job

At pretending I am okay

I am just taking deep breathes

To cleanse my life of you

I hope I don't cry

It's been three days and I have yet to shed a tear

Is reality finally sinking in?

Oh no here we go with the sad music.

This isn't helping to get my mind of you

Neither did the person kissing my forehead last night

He wasn't you,

Laying next to him was no better than an laying in an empty bed

I guess no matter where I sleep... I am going to be having a lot of lonley nights

But thats okay, Because I was starting to feel empty with you too

You made me feel alone. I cant be alone

"I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart "

Every thing that I did for myself you took away

The friends, the attitude, the self worth

I was untouchable, indestructable, in control

I was a fool to desire, but I never let my heart know that

My heartless ways did not leave me with lonley nights

You can't use a girl who is using you

You can't break a heart, that will never be given

I can't give my heart away for a very long time

I have a life to live, it's just hard to picture living it without you

Its like I painted my life story It was all about you

With bells and rings and houses and dogs and baby names

Weren't you the one?

Without you its like I have no canvas

I just will have to start over

Starting over is not the worst part but it might just be the hardest

But its something I have to do, you drove me to it

The constant lies, the hurtful words, the psychopathic ways, the jealousy, the retailiation, the the the

I am glad to be rid of you

I hope I never remember the good times

We're there any?

At least you know I won't replace you, there is know one like you

At least no one like you that I would want in my life

I don't want a cheap, hateful, loser in my life.

Grow up be a man

and get some friends,

I wish I wouldn't have let you lose all mine

But its a new dawn its a new day

I have a new year a head of me

Theres not much I will change when I start it

The first semester was the best time of my life

The only thing that I will change is that if I met someone like you I am turning around and walking away

I want be decieved by a smile like yours, I wont fall for a stupid guitar, or your alluring charms

No longer will one liners loosen my clothes, nor will guitar strums capture my heart

Thank you for all that you have taught me

I will take it with me for the rest of my life

As for you, I can't deny that you might be in my heart forever

But in my head I am going to try and forget you

I don't want to know about you dog, your car, or your new girlfriend,

I don't want to know about your new job, new career path,

I don't want to know about you, or how good or happy you are without me.

But what I do want you to know is that I will be fine without you.  I am just taking it one breath at a time.

Brittney Ann <&fucking broken hearts3

"We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now"

-Cold Play

p.s. This is the last fucking post I will ever waste on you

This is the last time you break my heart

The last time memories will ever shed my eyes

Goodbye